Been two and a half weeks since they sacked me, and two weeks since they maybe-unsacked me.

Maybe-unsacking me was a good move in terms of keeping a useful employee around (if you’re paying someone you want them to work, even if they suck at it). I definitely wouldn’t have been able to work out my notice in my fully-sacked status.

Being maybe-sacked has been unsurprisingly confusing. The first week I entertained giddy ideas that I would start the new project, be amazing at it and find a place within the company where I was meant to be. The second week the metronome swung the other way. I started applying for jobs, regained my confidence and was finally able to say ‘fuck you’ and mean it.

Neither situation has been particularly pleasant, but there’s been optimism undercutting both. I either stay and do something awesome, or I leave and do something even better.

Then yesterday I crashed. Got a bit of a head cold anyway, so been shivering and run-down, and this morning I just couldn’t do it. Every time I tried to make myself go to work I felt nauseous and started to cry. In the end I called in sick. That way I managed to get enough of a grip on myself to stop crying, but I’m still shaking and scared.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I can’t be off-sick every day until mid-August. If I can make it through to Friday I have two weeks in the UK where I can forget about it (although that’s two weeks not spent job hunting), but I still need to work this week.

I am hoping that maybe I can get further with the job hunt today and that will give me enough confidence to go back into work tomorrow, but there’s no fight left in me right now. I am just small and scared and sick.