I think this might be due to mental exhaustion. I’m into my third week of 12 hour days – so far that’s 144 hours of reading and writing just to keep a roof over my head. Kinda takes the fun out of it – even Alan Moore can’t hold my attention right now.

I just work, sleep and bake (although the long hours have coincided with some amazing sex – I guess there’s still a little creative energy left). I have lots I want to say but can’t get the words together.

Posts that might never get beyond conception:
• Why I shouldn’t work in advertising
• The cyber-sex episode, pt 2 (she got back in touch and left me wondering whether it hadn’t been her all along, and it was actually “my boyfriend stole my computer” that was the lie…)
• Where did it all go right – the conversation that changed J and I from monogamous to open
• Fast & louche – learning to be truthful

I also want to do a ‘12 months, 12 pictures’ photo update on the S’pore blog.

I’m writing all this down to remind myself once I finally have the energy to tackle things, and because a friend told me integrity was as simple as doing things you say you’ll do.

I’m also writing something, anything, to remind myself I’m not dead. Feels like I could be.

How desirable/feasible is a stable multi-way relationship?

Plenty feasible, in all sorts of forms. I mentioned Terisa Greenan in a previous post. Her 10-year three-way is described in this Newsweek article. She lives full time with two straight male partners who consider each other roommates.

Then there are people who have long-term secondary relationships. Trawling the archives of Mistress Matisse or Twisted Monk (both blogs, images SFW) gives some insight into their set-up.

Matisse lives with her long-term partner, Monk lives with his, then the two of them have a separate relationship based around date nights together.

I only know of these guys though their writing, but I get the impression that living apart / spending many nights apart in no way undermines the depth or intensity of their relationship.

From the family point of view this website, although not updated anymore, contains loads of info about a family comprising two males, two females and three children – all living together and co-parenting.

So, yeah, it’s feasible, and given the work required (nothing stable happens by accident), it must be desirable.

Do I desire it? Yes. But how much commitment I’d want from a stable situation is debateable.

The alternative (no commitment at all) is swingers’ parties, one night stands, and cruising online, none of which massively flicks my switch.

But there’s a complex spectrum between there and say, four people who all consider themselves married and sleep together in a custom-made bed.

At this stage, I can’t imagine a third party living with me and the Boy, but that doesn’t mean it would never happen. And the idea of something less serious but still stable seems very feasible.

Which brings me to the things I’ve been pondering recently, but I think I need to ponder when I’m not at work.

Questions in the pending pile include:

• The aforementioned 2a – which went something like, “Yes, yes, that’s how you act, but what about how you don’t act? What about overcoming fear and the instinct to defend against invasion?” (wrt falling for third parties)

• Then we have “Is a permanent multiway relationship desirable and achievable?”

• “You’ve mentioned affairs and dishonesty. What changed?”

Anyone want to know anything else?

It makes for scary reading. The blogs are ok – if women want to write about the thickness of their cervical mucus that’s their business – but the forums and chat rooms are infuriating.

There are endless women with names that probably aren’t ‘Permanently Apoplectic of Tunbridge Wells’ asking, for example, whether a TTCer can take B vitamins.

It’s a reasonable question (as it’s the one I was googling but the same person writes again: Hi, I’m still waiting for an answer.

And then again: No one’s answered my question yet. I’m getting really worried about whether I should stop or not. Can someone help?

Then: I really need someone to reply soon. I don’t know what everyone’s problem is. It’s an important question.

All in the span of 15 minutes.

So much intellectual laziness! It took me about 97 seconds to get google-consensus on an answer. On a forum it’s usually as easy as searching their archives – yet people sit back barking questions, demanding answers and refusing to do any work for themselves. Gah.

I guess this is true of any forum, but there seems to be a certain sort of crazy pervading the pregnancy sites.

Anyway, my other question was whether or not my lube was spermicidal. I answered that one all by myself by reading the label – a rewarding act as I came across this gem:

Avoid contact with ears.

Woah. The world contains some much kinkier people than I’d realised, if we need to stop folk lubing up their ears.

And I have written posts I’ve never intended to publish, usually because they talk too intimately about someone else. (Writing helps me make sense of my thoughts, so these unpublished pieces serve an important function.)

Once I wrote something that I intended to publish, but decided against at the last minute. It was about a work issue and reactively written – a childish, angry mess.

Is prudence the same as censorship?

I’m not going to publish a post I haven’t written about my new job.

I’m not angry, just frustrated, but something tells me maybe I should exercise a bit of caution. It might get messy, it might not. I don’t know. Hopefully I can figure it out and resolve things soon.

It was previously defined as a union between two people, meaning the state recognised same-sex marriages. The amendment is called
Proposition 8.

Now the “Yes on 8″ guys have filed to forcibly divorce all same-sex couples married before the amendment was passed.

I am not American, and I don’t expect to ever marry a girl, but this shit should matter to all of us. The video below is beautiful and
heart-rending.

“Fidelity”: Don’t Divorce… from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

1. I am 28

2. I have suffered from two major depressive episodes, and a few minor ones. I accept that this might happen again so now instead of pushing back I look for ways to live round it.

3. I don’t mind the idea of not existing, but I am worried about death being painful.

4. When waiting for the tube, I am paranoid that someone is going to push me onto the tracks (see above).

5. I have two body piercings and a tattoo.

6. I lost my boy virginity at 14. It wasn’t a very good idea.

7. I lost my girl virginity at 18. It was an excellent idea.

8. I have lucid dreams, like the kid from Waking Life.

9. I am fascinated by psychedelics, but sometimes find them challenging. You have to be comfortable inside your own head. My mother thinks all drugs = escapism; she is wrong.

10. I never want to stop learning.

11. I want to have children, and already feel a sense of loss knowing that if I do a good job bringing them up, one day they will out-grow me.

12. I have started writing a graphic novel about fish, and a thesis about post-evolutionary psychology taboos. I wonder if they’ll ever get finished.

13. When I was 14 I told my chemistry teacher I would rather have a job I liked than good pay. Last time round I got both – now I am spoilt!

14. I am a control freak, and I am guarded with strangers (aloof). It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I realised these things.

15. I make a mean toad-in-the-hole.

16. I have been to high class orgies with wall-to-wall Champagne, cocaine and beautiful people, and only ever had an alright time.

17. I have fallen into bed with friends, pissed and giggly and wearing mismatched underwear, and always had an amazing time.

18. I once sustained concussion giving head in a bathroom in Bangkok (with a bellyful of whiskey and speed).

19. I don’t own any bathroom scales.

20. I read the Dao De Jing when I was 21, and was amazed that someone had verbalised what I felt about life.

21. My favourite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo.

22. Martha Gellhorn is the famous figure I most admire, and probably the writer who has most inspired me.

23. I try to be honest with myself. This blog is a tool in that process.

24. I like who I am.

25. Life makes me smile.

On the assumption that I’m gonna send the link to propah grown-ups (family &tc), I’ve decided it’s gonna be PG-level content.

Except, I spend most of my waking life talking, thinking and writing about sex. (I rarely dream about it ). Keeping it clean is going to be quite a challenge.

I hadn’t realised the extent to which I was afflicted until I tried to write about the fact that the nervous excitement is making me manic *without* mentioning that I was moved to bring myself off in the toilets at work, just so I could calm down enough to concentrate on something for more than eight and a half seconds.

It’s fun being this crazy without being depressed. I’m generally hypomanic, so I have highs but the lows always have a lot more impact. But this is full on mania and I’ve been bouncing around, grinning from ear to ear for more than a week.

Notably, I have a very specific sense that all my systems are running at capacity. My mind feels sharper, my appetites are insatiable (food, booze, sex, drugs, spanking, hardhouse) and I can’t seem to sit still for a second.

Dunno how sustainable it is, but at the moment life is like being at the best theme-park ever!