Life without drugs… I haven’t missed things like pills or psychedelics because I took them so rarely.

Coca is a different in that I took a fair amount, although I never felt I *had* to. Annoyingly I have to report that I am better off without it, at least as far as health and wealth go. Basically I deliberately gave myself jetlag every other week, and although it’s not a controlled experiment (I’ve changed a lot of other variables) I think I’m benefiting from more regular sleep.

I have had two occasions in the past four months when I’ve really fancied a line. The lingering sense of loss though is for the social behaviour it accompanies – not feeling high, but feeling like I can sit with my friends and talk for hours. Of course, talking until 6am usually goes hand in hand with drinking until 6am, which is another way my health has improved.

The big kicker though, the drug I’d convinced myself I needed, was weed. Marijuana is not physically addictive (no tolerance or withdrawal symptoms), but that doesn’t matter if your brain has done the addictive work for you.

I never smoked a lot in terms of volume, but I was stoned almost every day for eight years. The minute I sat down on my sofa I’d be thinking about a joint, although the habit wasn’t pinned to any other situation. If I wasn’t at home skinning up wouldn’t occur to me, which drove me insane because it proved that my mind was getting the better of… my mind.

But I sleep badly and being stoned treats that well. If I was at home and I didn’t smoke, I didn’t sleep. As such, I was pretty concerned about going cold turkey in S’pore, despite feeling like I would be getting one over on a situation that had got the better of me.

The first few weeks were awful. Not so much craving weed as the struggle to sleep. The jetlag wore of quickly but I was left in bed staring at the ceiling for hours. It felt like I’d forgotten how to fall asleep. There used to be a purple haze that peeled me away from my body and floated me into space. Instead there was just me, listening to the night, aware of my skin and limbs, not believing there was any comfortable position to lie-in.

I was convinced that this was what life without weed was like. Then, wonder of wonders, I started sleeping. And sleeping *better* than I have in years. Again, no control given that I’ve changed pretty much everything in my life, but I’m genuinely surprised to find that I might not have been reliant on weed even in the small way that was plausible.

There are other benefits to my life of abstinence – floating away in a purple haze each night isn’t conducive to wild sex. Plus I get more done before bed than I used to. There are also things where I seem to have confirmed the myths – my memory is no different; I don’t find it easier to get up for work or to concentrate.

I definitely miss it, but not as much as I expected. When things went tits-up at work I could’ve really done with a joint – it is comforting and reassuring and enjoyable in a way that’s better than anything else I’ve tried, but I like being free from the feeling that I *have* to smoke.

I have no doubt that I will seek out weed as soon as I get the opportunity, but it would be really nice if I could have it back on my terms, not on those of… oh yeah, my mind.

A Facebook meme. I think they are supposed to be random, surprising, amusing. Mine turned more exposé, hence it’s posted here, not on FB.

1. I am 28

2. I have suffered from two major depressive episodes, and a few minor ones. I accept that this might happen again so now instead of pushing back I look for ways to live round it.

3. I don’t mind the idea of not existing, but I am worried about death being painful.

4. When waiting for the tube, I am paranoid that someone is going to push me onto the tracks (see above).

5. I have two body piercings and a tattoo.

6. I lost my boy virginity at 14. It wasn’t a very good idea.

7. I lost my girl virginity at 18. It was an excellent idea.

8. I have lucid dreams, like the kid from Waking Life.

9. I am fascinated by psychedelics, but sometimes find them challenging. You have to be comfortable inside your own head. My mother thinks all drugs = escapism; she is wrong.

10. I never want to stop learning.

11. I want to have children, and already feel a sense of loss knowing that if I do a good job bringing them up, one day they will out-grow me.

12. I have started writing a graphic novel about fish, and a thesis about post-evolutionary psychology taboos. I wonder if they’ll ever get finished.

13. When I was 14 I told my chemistry teacher I would rather have a job I liked than good pay. Last time round I got both – now I am spoilt!

14. I am a control freak, and I am guarded with strangers (aloof). It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I realised these things.

15. I make a mean toad-in-the-hole.

16. I have been to high class orgies with wall-to-wall Champagne, cocaine and beautiful people, and only ever had an alright time.

17. I have fallen into bed with friends, pissed and giggly and wearing mismatched underwear, and always had an amazing time.

18. I once sustained concussion giving head in a bathroom in Bangkok (with a bellyful of whiskey and speed).

19. I don’t own any bathroom scales.

20. I read the Dao De Jing when I was 21, and was amazed that someone had verbalised what I felt about life.

21. My favourite novel is The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo.

22. Martha Gellhorn is the famous figure I most admire, and probably the writer who has most inspired me.

23. I try to be honest with myself. This blog is a tool in that process.

24. I like who I am.

25. Life makes me smile.

Had a pretty fitful night’s sleep. Woke about 2am and was very fidgety.

Got up twice to write stuff, going out to the living room so that I could put on the light without waking Jonty. Both times when I got back into bed I snuggled up to him, mainly cos sitting on the sofa naked in the middle of the night can get chilly, but also cos he’s cute when he’s sleeping.

Last time I definitely looked at the clock was about 3.30am. Think I musta fallen asleep around this time, and almost immediately gone lucid.

About 4am I was conscious of my thoughts and vision becoming a little muddled, like coming up around the edges of a trip. Wondered if it was anything to do with going to bed stoned, although that had been hours ago.

Rolled over and put my arms round Jonty and had a whole internal “what time is it, how long ’til morning, what the hell, he’ll stop me if he’s too tired” monologue before going down on him.

The sex was really good, especially as the muddled trippy feeling was growing, making it all seem quite surreal in a good way (I often find that with sex in the middle of the night, cos there’s that witching hour sense that rest of the world doesn’t really exist).

Post-sex I started to feel more and more disconnected from my surroundings and became distressed by this. Looked past the end of the bed and got upset because although the components of the room were all in the right place, the perspectives were undeniably wrong.

Got worried about what was making me trip this way, especially when I saw two large cane toads mating at the top of the stairs. On second glance there was suddenly a dozen or so pairs of toads. Tried to describe it all to Jonty and found I was slurring and struggling to get my words out.

Remember saying to him “Those toads aren’t all really there, are they? There’s only one pair?” and him saying no, they were definitely all real. The toads had started making a buzzing sound and were slowly getting closer. Looked down Jonty’s side of the bed and there was an enormous one a foot and a half long (it actually had a slimy, flat Xenopus-shaped body, but no claws).

The buzzing of the toads was by this point nudging me towards hysteria, and the fact that they were surrounding the bed terrified me. In desperation I suggested that maybe I wasn’t awake, and bang, next moment I’m lying in a correctly-perspectived room, listening to the buzzing sound of a snoring boy.

Might sound stupid though, but I was scared to move for ages in case there were toads on the floor under the bed. Time was 4.30am. I’m still not really sure when I switched from waking to dreaming.

I’m not feeling particularly rested this morning!

UK PM likely to ignore advisory council advice on reclassifying cannabis

A woman on the radio (Jacqui Smith?) keeps saying, “But there’s new evidence that it’s stronger, there’s new evidence.” Yes we know, that’s why the case has just been re-examined. Surely a panel of experts will have thought to take all new evidence into consideration?

And what’s this nonsense?

He [the prime minister's spokesman] said the PM stood by earlier remarks about the need to signal that cannabis use was illegal and unacceptable.

If the drug classification system exists simply to remind us arbitrary criminals what is legal, and what is acceptable (WTF? Why does my lifestyle need to be acceptable to the government?), then why bother with all those pesky categories?

Why not sift all actions into a big green GOOD category, and a big red BAD category? Much easier. It’ll save the police loads of paperwork, and it will mean that double parking is the same as setting fire to the Queen, so we can bring back hanging for all offences and free up prison space as well.