The bride wore black and carried a Scotch & soda

I bought my wedding dress on Saturday. This terrifies the commitment phobe in me, but delights the little girl who wants to be a fairy.

I’m obviously not s’posed to tell you what it’s like (better stop describing it to everyone who asks), but I can tell you about the one that got away.

Hanging up it was stunning – an elegant double-layered dress in white silk and delicate netting. My friendly assistant Mandy helped me into the bottom layer. The slip had spaghetti straps and a v-cut neck, and while a little big was still quite promising.

The fine over-layer had long sleeves and a high neck, so the final effect should have been a tantalising combination of silk and naked skin framed in ethereal gossamer.

I say should have advisedly. Mandy tentatively wiggled the outer dress over my head and stood back to survey the results. It certainly wasn’t as roomy as the slip underneath, and as I gazed in the mirror I struggled to pin down a specific impression.

Suddenly it hit me. “Oh my god, I look like a sausage!”

The rosy fingers of recognition dawned on Mandy’s face. “Yes, that’s it! Exactly like a sausage!” She and my mother fell about in gales of laughter.

I was too scared to laugh myself, lest I burst my very expensive sausage casing.


1 Comment»

  blackolives wrote @

Lol that was hilarious!

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