The dreaded ‘W’

Been trying to figure out for the past week or so what it is about this wedding that has me so spooked. Have been generally very flippant about the commitment side of the whole thing, and fair moved a friend to tears last week when I explained that I wasn’t going to say I would love Jonty forever in my vows, because “I’m not going to make promises I don’t know I can keep.”

If Armchair-psychology-Lou was talking to someone else who’d been saying similar things about their impending marriage, she would probably conclude that the bride-to-be was a) terrified and b) scared of rejection.

Are these pronouncements true of me? I’m certainly scared, but I think a reasonable amount of this is stage fright – when I think about actually walking down the aisle my stomach churns, but when I think about coming home from work to a boy I’m married to rather than a boy I live with, I generally feel ok.

Am I scared of rejection? I joke all the time about being scared of commitment, but I think all I really mean by that is that I’m scared that I’ll lose the freedom to let my hair down and have a bit of extra-curricular fun once in a while. However, Jonty and I have already talked about the fact that we don’t see the basic structure of our relationship changing anytime soon after we get married, so that isn’t something I should feel threatened by.

So perhaps it is about rejection. Perhaps I don’t want to say “I’ll love you forever” on the record. I think either I can’t let myself believe this could really last forever, or I don’t want people to think I’m more invested than Jonty. Either amounts to the same thing – I want to be able to make-believe I’m not really that hurt if it all goes tits-up. P’raps I think I’m protecting myself?

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