Archive for April, 2008


I got a coil fitted on Monday, w00t!

The procedure itself was slightly painful, but was over so quickly it didn’t really count (I gots stamina when it comes to pain, baby). Since then I’ve been pretty achy, but I’m guessing that is normal.

The experience was quite strange. Hard as it may be to believe, it’s not often I find myself half naked and up in stirrups, and it is kind of a vulnerable position.

The chaperone put her hand on my knee and started stroking me, and my first response was an angry “Hey, another human being is making unsolicited, non-consensual physical contact with me,” but then I realised it was actually soothing, so I guess I must have been a bit angsty.

Once I relaxed into my yogic breathing I nudged things mentally a bit to see if I could find anything sexual in the situation, but the answer was a resounding no.

(Interesting aside: I’m reading The Lucifer Effect at the moment, which is all about the Stanford Prison Experiment, so I’m thinking a lot in terms of situational power and responsibility.*

(Were I to admit that I was (or at least tried) fantasising about my doctor while she had her hand inside me, it might raise a few questioning eyebrows, but not much else. If she admitted the same about me, she could reasonably expect to get an official warning. Yet if we met independently in club and I chatted her up, the balance between us would be quite different.)

Anyhoo, being made to feel like I was in a big, warm, safe, motherly environment was actually quite nice – strangely ‘eternal feminine’ feeling, despite the pain. And I’m very excited about actually having the coil now – no more rubbish condoms for me.

The Boy is very excited too – he has been asking me for ages to talk to family planning about contraception options. Presumably he hasn’t realised yet that he’s just waved good bye to his all-anal-all-the-time free pass.

* I am also reading Spiderman fanfiction


Touchy feely

I got mad at my mum last night, because of a perceived misdemeanour that made me feel I was being treated like a child. I was still angry when I woke up, and struggled to own that in any positive way. My over-whelming urge was to sulk or lash out verbally, in order to punish my mother for making me feel upset.

It was only after I’d left to come home that the irony of this struck me. I don’t always notice how easily I fulfil an anticipated role – sulking in response to conflict with my mum was exactly what I used to do as a child. Or to frame it more pleasingly – if I want her to treat me as a grown-up, I’m going to have to do her the courtesy of acting like one.

Anyway, back to this morning. As it turned out, I was able to get something positive from my feelings, thanks to mum because she came to talk to me so that I wouldn’t leave in a bad mood.

This allowed me to say lots of things I somehow hadn’t found the time to mention before (for the past 28 years!). I told her about my feelings of defensiveness when compared with my sister, my conflicting desire for autonomy and support, my wish to communicate better with her &tc.

She didn’t have loads to say in return (it’s the sort of stuff that probably needs a bit of mulling, anyway) and I don’t expect the conversation to be the agent of any great overnight change, but I do thing it was a very important step in a healthy psychological direction.

My glass is more than half full…

Being bisexual is great for a number or reasons.

Here’s one: when I shop online for underwear, I am simultaneously fulfilling two needs – shopping and looking at porn.

Being geeky is great for a number of reasons too, not least the fact that the kind of efficiencies mentioned herein make me happy.


You tell me I can’t communicate, but maybe that just shows you don’t know me. Maybe you didn’t notice that I spent the past decade teaching myself to talk, cos no one showed me how when I was growing up. Making noise doesn’t make you meaningful.

You tell me you can’t trust me, you don’t seem to realise that words like that can hurt. You’re cleverer, she’s smarter, I’m just the dumb kid you have to look after. Dumb cos I take a few risks? Dumb cos I want to live my life, experience things you can’t show me? Dumb cos no one needs to hold my hand?

Fitting your life around old patterns doesn’t make someone smart, acting predictably doesn’t make someone trustworthy. It just makes them seem safe.

I want you to engage with me. I want you to want to know me. I’m scared you won’t be able to.


More on monogamy

Why don’t I vibe with monogamy? Here’s one answer. It’s mostly about jealousy and possessiveness.

Here’s another answer:

Because I’m greedy. I want to experience every damn thing this world has to offer. I want to seetouchtastesmelldo everything I possibly can.

When it comes to sex, I’ve had some great experiences, and I have a boy at home who gives great experience damn near every time I look at him. But… even if nothing I do with anyone else comes anywhere near close to comparing, I still want to find that out for myself.

If you go your whole life taking other people’s word for something (anything), all you have at the end is a dusty scrap book full of memories that aren’t yours.


Concussion is bad for many things, but it is good for having lots of time to blog.

Running home from work

Under the Westway
Hawthorn blossom smells of home;
Where should I call mine?