Wedding ownership – ur doin it rong

Had a bit of a chat with the Boy yesterday about the fact that I haven’t really (cue more touchy feely language) taken ownership of our marriage.

I’m fine with the wedding bit in terms of planning, organising, throwing a fuck-off amazing party, but nothing’s quite clicking in terms of the “holy shit, I’m going to be married” stuff.

Jonty said he would’ve preferred it if I’d proposed to him, but he knew that I never would. Which sort of sums up that I’m finding it hard for all this to really, truly feel necessary.

I feel as if I’m being held up against a benchmark that has no meaning for me. Sure, I value communication, commitment and longevity in my relationship (and other people’s), but I look for evidence of those in the structure and substance of people’s connections. It’s not something I really feel is confirmed by the events of a single day, or a new bit of jewellery.

My thoughts are quite muddled about it all (hence the trying-to-figure-things-out post). Part of me is scared that I’m going ahead with it simply because it is the path of least resistance.

I’ve certainly been thinking about it as something I’m doing to keep my parents and in-laws happy, something that Jonty really wants, something that doesn’t really matter because it won’t change anything.

But… I fantasised about Jonty proposing to me before we actually got engaged, and I cried (with happy emotion) when I was writing my vows.

But… I see getting married as challenging our relationship rather than confirming it.

A challenge in one sense because I made my commitment to Jonty years ago. I can remember exactly where I was: in bed in our old flat, with the sunlight coming through the crappy curtains.

Without thinking, I said for the first time, “I want to love you forever,” and it really surprised me, like a soap bubble bursting in my face.

Soap bubbles kinda feel like enough for me. What’s that say…?



  elle wrote @

To move from touchy feely to totally new age – it feels like there is some wedding-related energy stuck somewhere inside me, and that if I (or a shrink) could just explain it in the right words, I’d be unblocked and fine with it all.

  Grill wrote @

Why don’t you just go to Speaker’s Corner on a busy Sunday and rant it all out?

  elle wrote @

Morbidly fitting perhaps? ; )

The tradition of Speaker’s Corner apparently arose because there used to be gallows at Marble Arch.

The condemned were given the opportunity to have ‘one last say’, before being put to death.

  dommebell wrote @

I like the Speaker’s Corner idea! When I have energy ‘stuck’ inside me I tend to deal with it better on a physical basis: either by some boxing practice or masturbating.

  Grill wrote @

Elle: I thought it was something to do with Chartists? Anyway, “taking ownership” sounds like some of that despicable technocratic lingo that serves to alienate you even more from what it is you’re trying to think about. Bubbles is better.

Dom: I find the gloves get in the way if you try to do both.

  elle wrote @

Didn’t know anything about the Chartists, but yep, seems so. I added the apparently because the gallows thing seemed a bit apocryphal, but I was too lazy to Google it (good to know all that rigorous journo training in fact-checking and fair representation hasn’t gone to waste).

All the right-on language I have a preponderance for is the fault of these ladies:

They talk a lot of sense, but as radical, Californian commune dwellers, *how* they say things is sometimes a bit questionable.

Also, damn, I knew there was a boxing/wanking quip in there somewhere, but I didn’t come up with anything. Must be losing my touch…

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