Binding and boundaries

I relate to my submissive and masochistic sides on a number of levels.

First up, there’s a basic physical relationship. Getting hit gets me hot, in that I respond well to intense sensations. Then there is a secondary physical level, based around the big ole endorphin release – getting hit gets me high (I crack myself up).

Then come all the much more complex psychological reasons, which I struggle to define. Submitting myself to someone else’s whim, letting go, feels really good, but I couldn’t tell you why. Ditto feeling humiliated. It’s kinda mental foreplay, but I can’t describe it any better than that.

(Aside: masochism, submission and humiliation don’t have to go hand in hand, you can cheerfully have one without either of the others. They do tend to converge in me at times though.)

Then there are two more esoteric/less obtainable (perhaps?) psychological responses. One is feeling powerful, the other is feeling purged.

The ‘less obtainable’ is because to achieve these things I need to be playing at my limits, and that isn’t always easy to do. Sometimes I hold back, sometimes the Boy does, but once in a while every thing is perfect.

We had one of those days at the weekend, and reached a new and exciting milestone. For the first time Jonty carried on until I cried. I’ve been really interested to find out where that point was, and passing it felt amazing.

The feeling of being purged is easy to explain – you have to let go of a lot once you get to that point – and the feeling of power came from the fact that I was pushed as far as I thought I could go and still managed to go further.

Have been dancing on endorphins ever since.

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