Archive for August, 2008

Turning and turning

So, shrink #02 doesn’t seem to be crazy, which is an improvement over the last guy.

She did the leaving long gaps that I’m supposed to fill thing, which made me uncomfortable, but we talked as well and it was ok. I told her at the end that I’d found it a bit hard, and her response to that was good.

But I came away just feeling wasted – tired, emotional, vulnerable. Prolly doesn’t help that I’m a bit ill, but something about it really shook me up.

She said to let her know if I want to meet regularly but I haven’t decided yet. It would make sense to do so, if only to talk about why talking affected me that way (see, it is recursive, I knew it) but part of me thinks maybe it’s just too hard.



It occurred to me at the weekend that I never write about cooking. I’m not sure if this is because of or despite spending most of the rest of my life thinking about food.

Anyway, here’s what I know about macarons – they should be chewy, have a ruffly foot of bubbles round the base and a smooth top.

Before cooking

Before cooking

After making ten batches of the bloody things at the weekend, I can confirm that the ruffly foot is not too hard to achieve, but the smooth top is more hit or miss.

Also, the traditional French method of making them (I assume it was such, as it was really fiddly and didn’t work) sux, treat them like tiny Pavlova bases (add salt, whisk in some of the sugar) and you’ll fair much better.

Finished product

Finished product

Anally retentive? Why yes, thank you

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The widening gyre

Am organising a meeting with shrink #02.

It occurs to me that to get the most from therapy, I need to construct and commit to quite an intricate relationship.

It also occurs to me that my difficulty constructing and committing to intricate relationships might be part of the reason I think I need therapy.

Urgh, so recursive. Can I even be bothered?

My shortest meaningful relationship lasted less than two hours

I’m putting all the sex-ish stuff behind the cut, so you don’t gotta read it if you don’t wanna.

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I’ve added our wedding ceremony to the pages on the right. I’m interested to hear what people think, as writing it from scratch was surprisingly difficult.

There was a bit of a tendency to slip into pompous, VIth form essay language, but that wasn’t the feel we wanted, plus we didn’t want to sound like we were taking the piss out of regular ceremonies. I think we pulled it back though, and the tone on the day worked well.

Sam is mostly to thank for this – he was our unofficial officiant, and his delivery was perfect. He has the added helpful traits of being an excellent writer, ridiculously well read and an opera director, so he contributed lots of the content, kept a critical eye on the rest, and knew how it would work as a piece of performance art.

Although we did resist his suggestion to read the crazy Dylan Thomas letter where he talks about albatrosses and being naked.

Book review!

Doctor Zhivago is so fucking good that I think I might need to learn Russian.

Noises, rounded, as if polished on a lathe, rolled echoing lightly through crisp, frosty, nut-clean space.

And that’s in translation!


Lara was not religious. She did not believe in ritual. But sometimes, to enable her to bear her life, she needed the accompaniment of an inward music and she could not always compose it for herself.

This got me thinking a lot about the people who help us compose the music of our lives. Family, friends, lovers. If you had the ability to always write your own music, would you be lonely or glowing with inner peace?

Speaking of which, I’m in the market for a new therapist. I have a few leads, but if anyone has any recommendations they’d be gratefully received.