My shortest meaningful relationship lasted less than two hours

I’m putting all the sex-ish stuff behind the cut, so you don’t gotta read it if you don’t wanna.

My shortest meaningful relationship lasted less than two hours.

Of course, I already sort of knew the guy – I used to work full time in a pub, so I was well acquainted with those particular people who drink at three o’clock on a Wednesday afternoon.

I ran into one of my mid-week, mid-day drinkers in a club one Friday evening (I say ‘a club’, it was actually ‘the club’ – I grew up in a small town). He was cute and coming onto me, but for various nefarious reasons I couldn’t go home with him that night.

Instead I took his number and called him the next day. He cheerfully arranged to meet that afternoon, but mentioned that I’d have to collect him from the pub.

1630: Pick him up from the Mill (The clock starts ticking)

1640: Arrive at his house

1645: Initial discussion

—Why is your place so empty?

—My girlfriend just ran off with my best mate, so I’m in the middle of moving to Indonesia

1650: Drink some tea

1655: Watch Old Grey Whistle Test on VHS

1705: Further discussion

—You’re definitely cute, but I mainly want to have sex cos I’m mad at my ex still

1710: Go upstairs

1730: Mid-sex discussion

(The perfect white circle burned through the tattoos on his chest came from passing out against an open hearth; the jagged scar on his head was from a coke deal gone bad)

1800: Post-sex discussion

—Is this [Beelzebub’s Tales to His Grandson] a good book?
—It’s ok, you won’t get past 100 pages though
—Can I take it?
—No, I want to finish it one day, and if all goes well with emigrating I’ll probably never see you again

1820: Drop him at the Seven Stars. Drive home cheerfully to have tea with my folks

Post-script: I took the book anyway, and didn’t get past p182. I feel I owe it to this guy to finish it. I hope he made it to Indonesia.

Post-post-script: Parents – perhaps it’s time to revisit all those nightmare scenarios you dismissed as too improbable. Particularly the ones featuring barely-legal daughters and/or drug dealers (or barely consensual bondage, but that’s a story for another day).


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