At least I don’t seem to have insomnia anymore

Ack, sleep gone very weird. Only had one proper lucid dream in the past four months but last week I had an odd two days of something like anti-lucid dreaming – knowing I was awake (sensing the bed, hearing the room around me) but not being able to control the free-flow of my thoughts, resulting in something very dreamlike.

Jonty reported the same thing at the same time though, and we both complained that the room was much hotter (the monsoon season is over) so maybe that’s what happens when sleepy minds get a bit too warm.

But recently I’ve had rather disturbing dreams where I’ve known I was asleep (rather than not knowing I awake, if that distinction makes sense) but really haven’t wanted to wake up. Each time I felt quite sad once I did wake, which isn’t pleasant, and last night I was conscious in the dream of trying to keep myself asleep.

The dreams themselves are not unpleasant – the shared characteristic is that they feature a lot of exes and old flames. Last nights was a Banquodian procession involving my first boyfriend, my last boyfriend and a guy I had a physical thing with (I’m not gonna say fuck buddy, it’s too ugly a term) – all laughing and joking together and led by a woman I had an ill-defined something with a while back.

Notably, much of the dream played out in hyper-resolution, so that I was able to look down at the floor from standing and see microscopic detail in the wooden boards under my feet. Whenever I worried in the dream that I was waking up, I studied the floor and it kept me under, as it were.

Toward the end I woke up in bed and looked out to see the sun rising behind a Victorian flat-backed terrace, and promptly got kicked in the ribs by my sister, who was lying next to my dad. My thought process wasn’t obvious (me, my sister and my father all live in different countries, or why are we all in bed together), it was “There should only be two people in the bed, why are there three?”

Then I woke up properly, and felt sad. But I went swimming and writing and now I’m happy but late for work. I have so much more I wanna write about, and no time to do so.


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