Archive for July, 2009

Enough already

If self-help books are chicken soup for the soul, working your notice in a job you’ve been told you can’t do is like drinking barium.

I am a mess. I have no confidence in anything I write. I go into paroxysms of fear and worry every time I make a mistake. I am sulky and withdrawn whenever I talk to the boss.

Really, really need to get out.


From a poly website

Made me stop and think, although I’m not sure about taking advice from a therapist who name-drops.

I remember one night, after Atlas was published, she [Ayn Rand] was sitting on the sofa, crying, protesting the state of the world and her place in it, and then she said how much she would hate for John Galt to see her this way, how much she would hate for him to see her miserable or in tears. I said, “Why? Wasn’t this part of the battle? Wasn’t feeling like hell and then picking yourself up and carrying on part of what made the struggle heroic? What was there to be ashamed of? Why did one have to pretend that there were never moments of utter despair? Wasn’t the challenge to experience them, own them, admit them, without denial or pretense ‹ and then go on fighting?” I said we should be proudly willing to let people see us in our darkest moments because in the end it was not going to be our darkest moments that would define us.

— Nathaniel Branden

Found it here.


Been two and a half weeks since they sacked me, and two weeks since they maybe-unsacked me.

Maybe-unsacking me was a good move in terms of keeping a useful employee around (if you’re paying someone you want them to work, even if they suck at it). I definitely wouldn’t have been able to work out my notice in my fully-sacked status.

Being maybe-sacked has been unsurprisingly confusing. The first week I entertained giddy ideas that I would start the new project, be amazing at it and find a place within the company where I was meant to be. The second week the metronome swung the other way. I started applying for jobs, regained my confidence and was finally able to say ‘fuck you’ and mean it.

Neither situation has been particularly pleasant, but there’s been optimism undercutting both. I either stay and do something awesome, or I leave and do something even better.

Then yesterday I crashed. Got a bit of a head cold anyway, so been shivering and run-down, and this morning I just couldn’t do it. Every time I tried to make myself go to work I felt nauseous and started to cry. In the end I called in sick. That way I managed to get enough of a grip on myself to stop crying, but I’m still shaking and scared.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I can’t be off-sick every day until mid-August. If I can make it through to Friday I have two weeks in the UK where I can forget about it (although that’s two weeks not spent job hunting), but I still need to work this week.

I am hoping that maybe I can get further with the job hunt today and that will give me enough confidence to go back into work tomorrow, but there’s no fight left in me right now. I am just small and scared and sick.