Crash

Been two and a half weeks since they sacked me, and two weeks since they maybe-unsacked me.

Maybe-unsacking me was a good move in terms of keeping a useful employee around (if you’re paying someone you want them to work, even if they suck at it). I definitely wouldn’t have been able to work out my notice in my fully-sacked status.

Being maybe-sacked has been unsurprisingly confusing. The first week I entertained giddy ideas that I would start the new project, be amazing at it and find a place within the company where I was meant to be. The second week the metronome swung the other way. I started applying for jobs, regained my confidence and was finally able to say ‘fuck you’ and mean it.

Neither situation has been particularly pleasant, but there’s been optimism undercutting both. I either stay and do something awesome, or I leave and do something even better.

Then yesterday I crashed. Got a bit of a head cold anyway, so been shivering and run-down, and this morning I just couldn’t do it. Every time I tried to make myself go to work I felt nauseous and started to cry. In the end I called in sick. That way I managed to get enough of a grip on myself to stop crying, but I’m still shaking and scared.

I’m not sure where I go from here. I can’t be off-sick every day until mid-August. If I can make it through to Friday I have two weeks in the UK where I can forget about it (although that’s two weeks not spent job hunting), but I still need to work this week.

I am hoping that maybe I can get further with the job hunt today and that will give me enough confidence to go back into work tomorrow, but there’s no fight left in me right now. I am just small and scared and sick.

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2 Comments»

  Dan wrote @

That sucks, I’ve been there and it’s not a nice place. Would love to dispense pearls of wisdom, but I’m not sure I’m quite through the other side yet – all I know is that the love of true friends helped me find up, but in the end only you can take the steps out.
Positive energies and e-yoghurt being sent your way. x

  elle wrote @

Thanks hon! I imagine mile 20 of a marathon feels like this (says the girl who hasn’t finished a 10 mile run without crying!).

You know there’s an end a few miles ahead of you, but something that would seem achievable on its own is warped into hideous impossibility by the miles that have come before.

Except there’s no way you’re gonna blink first and stop running. So I guess there is some fight in me still. šŸ˜‰


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