Archive for August, 2009

Super-quick work update

Last week the guy who sacked me casually confirmed me as a permanent employee.

I casually thanked him and went back to my desk.

I’m not sure this reflects particularly well on either of us, but I’m happy.

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Paying for sex

A guy I met on Saturday was in the middle of bust-up with his girlfriend because he’d been sleeping with prostitutes.

There are lots of reasons why this could end a relationship – deceit, taking risks with sexual health, psych issues – but once, a million years ago, I was the maligned girlfriend and my problem was that the guy was able to compare me directly with someone likely to be much better at sex.

This tells you a lot about my self-confidence at the time, and my destructive habit of measuring my worth in units of sexual prowess.

But talking about it this weekend, I realised my approach now to competing with prostitutes would be different. Sure, they are gonna be good at sex (I should damned well hope so if they’re doing it for a living!) but would it be the end of the world if they were better than me?

I still credit sex with more mystical influence than it probably has, but the idea of not being the best shag someone has ever had sits ok with me now. Plus sex is more than the sum of its parts, and I have things other than expertise to throw into the mix.

(I am often down on myself for acting in ways that don’t confirm the person I’d like to think I am. Quite a few times lately I have caught myself doing the opposite, being surprised when I realise I have become more rational and level-headed about things that used to upset me.)

Labels

Towards the end of last year I noticed something odd about how people relate to labels, but forgot about it until writing the previous post.

I refer to myself as bisexual. It doesn’t describe the nuances of my relationship, but it does a good job of conveying ‘attracted to boys and girls’. During two different conversations (both with UK public school boys) I made reference to this and both guys responded by asking ‘How can you be, you’re married?”

The implication being that the way we define ourselves is determined solely by our actions. I hadn’t got onto the non-monogamy label, so they saw a basic relationship between ‘sleeps with boy’ and ‘straight’.

This seems so nonsensical that I’d never considered anyone would think that way, but these examples proved me wrong. I asked the second guy if he considered everyone asexual until they’d lost their virginity, but that seemed to confuse him.

Whether we see labels as naming something innate or something we choose to be – surely they contribute to an overarching understanding of ourselves?

Pondering this got me thinking about my kinky life in Singapore (or lack of). I still describe my relationship as non-monogamous, despite six months of apple pie, mom & pops monogamy.

I am not using the term to describe my actions, rather my potential for action – which I guess is what labels come down to for me. The horny teenaged virgin knows exactly who they want to shag when the moment arises.


Remember when I was moving to S’pore, I said something like ‘If there are any perverts here J and I will find them’? Well there are, and in-between writing and posting this, we did.

Needless to say, I had a big smile on my face this weekend. I fear that saying more would be indiscrete 😉

A lot of love to give

Newsweek article on polyamory:
Only you. And you. And you.

It is impossible for me to read that header without hearing the Jim’ll Fix It theme. I guess that isn’t a problem in the US.

Anyway, long article on polyamory, interesting for its voyeuristic peek into the lives and sleeping arrangements of the group in question (p 3). The video package is cute as well.

It seems like the interviewees’ motivation is to raise awareness about a lifestyle that isn’t discussed much. There might be a bit of grandstanding beneath this but they are clearly proud of their relationship, as they ought to be. Ten years in a triad (or any relationship!) is a great achievement.

My favourite quote is this concluding remark from one of the guys interviewed:

“To look at an option like polyamory and say ‘That’s not for me’ is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad.”

And because I enjoy them (although be warned, J won’t watch ‘em cos he says the acting is too bad), here’s interviewee Terisa Greenan’s polyamory web series Family.