Paying for sex

A guy I met on Saturday was in the middle of bust-up with his girlfriend because he’d been sleeping with prostitutes.

There are lots of reasons why this could end a relationship – deceit, taking risks with sexual health, psych issues – but once, a million years ago, I was the maligned girlfriend and my problem was that the guy was able to compare me directly with someone likely to be much better at sex.

This tells you a lot about my self-confidence at the time, and my destructive habit of measuring my worth in units of sexual prowess.

But talking about it this weekend, I realised my approach now to competing with prostitutes would be different. Sure, they are gonna be good at sex (I should damned well hope so if they’re doing it for a living!) but would it be the end of the world if they were better than me?

I still credit sex with more mystical influence than it probably has, but the idea of not being the best shag someone has ever had sits ok with me now. Plus sex is more than the sum of its parts, and I have things other than expertise to throw into the mix.

(I am often down on myself for acting in ways that don’t confirm the person I’d like to think I am. Quite a few times lately I have caught myself doing the opposite, being surprised when I realise I have become more rational and level-headed about things that used to upset me.)

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3 Comments»

  officeconfessions wrote @

Personally I wonder. For the prostitute it is pretty much entirely a business transaction so can she really be putting a lot of enthusiasm or passion into it. One of my male friends admitted he had gone to a prostitute and she said after fifteen minutes “Haven’t you finished yet?” As far being good at sex I tend to think all you really need is a bit of enthusiasm!

  elle wrote @

Playing devils advocado…

Plenty of business transactions are born of passion and enthusiasm, otherwise there wouldn’t be successful entrepreneurs.

If we stick to considering prostitutes who chose to enter the profession (I wouldn’t know where to start talking about the grey areas that bleed into trafficking), I’d imagine enthusiasm spans the same range seen in white-collar workers. Some think it’s their true calling, for others it’s a way to pay the bills (daily grind, smirk).

There are certainly lot of active sex workers’ rights groups. You have to be dedicated to your work to march the streets agitating for the right to pay taxes.

But… I know what you mean. I think when you say ‘enthusiasm’ and I say ‘other than expertise’ we are both referencing the emotional connection that’s missing (or markedly different) with someone you don’t know.

As far being good at sex I tend to think all you really need is a bit of enthusiasm!

Probably true! A while back I went for a dirty weekend with an old flame. I hadn’t hooked up properly with him for nearly a decade and, suddenly nervous, said to a friend “What if I’ve got bad at sex since then!”

“Honey,” she replied, “no one gets bad at sex. Everyone just gets lazy.”

Worth remembering!

  officeconfessions wrote @

I think there is also something to be said for the fact that you genuinely want to be with that person. I see what you mean about some prostitutes potentially enjoying their job but when we non professionals have sex we are there because we want to be. No money, no obligation it’s all about the other person. That in itself can be pretty sexy. Oh and I totally agree about the lazy quote!
M x


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