“I loved every guy I ever fucked, while I was fucking him.”

Have you ever fallen for a third party?

Yes! Next question?

Psyche.

I’m possibly either the best or the worst person of whom to ask this. I fall in love about twice a week. By which I mean I fall in obsessive, adolescent, lustful crush.

Like most sensible folk, I tend to stick to fucking people I fancy. So while I don’t sleep with everyone I have a crush on, I do have a crush on everyone I sleep with. Occasionally this grows into something more, and the hapless recipient stars in long series of fantasies and daydreams.

This has never been an issue. I assume everyone indulges in similar mental distractions, and mine always burn out – I’d say within six months for the more fervent cases.

So far so boring. But one crush never burned away. It has been smouldering in my head for years, occasionally bouncing or crashing into my life with J (much like those metaphors bounced and crashed into each other).

I’m conscious here of the fine line between telling it like it is, and telling it with a kiss. I don’t want to spill too much about other people’s personal shit, so let’s just say, yes, it caused problems. And now it doesn’t.

It caused problems because I behaved badly. And it improved because I now behave better. Phew – back on firm ground again, talking about myself.

What not to do if you fall for a third party:
1. Don’t push your partner to be ok with it.
2. Don’t be furtive or secretive.

1. Pushiness is certainly not a good way to quell your partner’s fears. If it’s obvious you’re het-up about someone else, it’s possible your partner is feeling some pretty overwhelming emotions.

You can’t sit down and debate rationally with someone’s churning viscera. Saying “It’s fine, you won’t get hurt, trust me, nothing bad will happen,” isn’t going to cut it unless your actions show this is true.

I chased my tail for a while on that one. I was frustrated because it seemed obvious to me that the other person wasn’t a threat, so why couldn’t J see things in the same light – yet I didn’t realise that my very pushiness made the thing threatening. I am, unfortunately, a dick.

2. We are the children of our deeds. Act like you are deserving of trust and you’ll get it. Act like a dick and, well… you don’t get dick, that’s for sure.

As I mentioned, my pushiness created a negative situation, which meant guilt, reparation and further negativity. While insisting I wasn’t doing anything wrong by the letter of the law, I rode roughshod over its spirit.*

I became reticent about bringing things up, and defensive (and occasionally offensive) towards any position J took. Act like you are guilty and you make it so.

Sounds pretty depressing, huh? I should stress that I’m making generalisations from a handful of flare-ups over several years – this issue didn’t continually define my relationship with J. Anyway, how to fix?

What to do if you fall for a third party:
1. Stop being pushy
2. Be honest, and don’t feel guilty about it

1. Careful readers will notice that this is the opposite of what not to do (no value for money from this blog). This only reflects my experience, but I got to a point where I managed to chill out. I made my peace with the nagging sense of unrequital, and stopped resenting J for selfishly having feelings that got in my way. (It’s rather galling to admit I thought like that at one point.)

Once I let go of my egotism – my desire to convince J things were fine while taking a mile for every inch – the other problems that had become knotted into this started to unravel. Such. A. Relief.

Most importantly, my actions started supporting my claims, so the trust I’d been battering with a shoehorn started to grow.

2. I mention honesty in the specific sense of not feeling guilty about sharing stuff. Don’t under or over-embellish, just be matter of fact.

For example: I went out for drinks with an old school friend a while back. It wasn’t meant to be a date, but we’d fooled around as kids so we had a history, as they say. It ended in a snog, and J felt like the guy had taken advantage of the situation.

OldLou would hear this as “You’ve done something wrong,” bluster by letting the boy take the fall, and then act defensively out of guilt. Sounds charming, right?

NewAndImprovedLou explained that really she had taken advantage of the situation. I’d brought up open relationships, thereby flagging myself as available to someone who’d previously assumed I wasn’t. (Frankly I think the poor boy found the whole evening rather bewildering, and certainly didn’t seem to be smug about getting one over on another guy by kissing his girl.)

It’s still sometimes surprises me in practise (following a long and torrid history of obfuscation) but I’m sure you can guess which approach works best.

* Bonus thought for reading this far: however rational it sounds in your head, yelling “I could have had sex with him but I didn’t, you should be pleased,” is NEVER a sound argument.

Bonus bonus thought: J did actually win an argument by shouting “Fuck you, I was in the pub.” This made me burst into tears, but the tears turned into laughter and soon we were both giggling hysterically about the ridiculousness of his defence.

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3 Comments»

  Hot boy-on-boy action « Cheese sammiches and sex wrote @

[…] Question 2 garnered some interesting responses that necessitate a 2a section, but that will be long and require thought so I’ll save it for a more self-important moment. […]

  justjss wrote @

As a general rule … I like to fuck *as though* I’m in love, even if I’m not … and yes, that means I’m choosy as well. You can behave as though you’re in love without being quite attracted to the other person. Or I can’t.

When I’ve said this to other people, it has puzzled them — they wonder if it is dishonest. And maybe it is, if the other person thinks there is more going on than there is …

  elle wrote @

Hey Mr Temptation, hope the book’s going well (I had a not-very-satisfactory cybersex via Facebook experience the other day).

I get what you mean about fucking as though you were in love, although it’s not quite where I come from.

Is this something you’ve consciously fostered, or a behavioral pattern you noticed?


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