Archive for November, 2009

The Rape.

Possible trigger, which you could probably guess from the title.

I’ve considered writing about this before, but haven’t really had reason to. It’s not something I think about all that much, and it’s certainly not something I’m traumatised by, so I haven’t had that processing-through-writing desire.

But it does occasionally come up in conversation, usually if I talk about my teenage depression. Someone will ask, for example, if I know why I got depressed, and even though I am fine talking about being raped, I um and ah and make the conversation more awkward than it needs to be.

This comes back to something I mentioned before – the idea that I have a social obligation not to embarrass my listeners. I imagine that the bald statement “Because I was raped” is going to make the other person uncomfortable, but my reticence makes their discomfort more likely. I’m wondering if writing will help me deal with that discord.

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Too much information, and a fleeting mucus reference

The reason women who are trying for a baby talk about mucus all the time is that it relates to ovulation, and these women are OBSESSED with ovulation.

This puzzles me. Sure, you’re most likely to conceive as or just after you ovulate, but if you’re fucking all the time anyway, can this extra info make that much difference?

Unless these women ONLY fuck when they’re ovulating (how depressing), or want to make sure they have extra sex around the right time (the surest way to turn the beautiful act of lovemaking into a chore).

Boys, as far as I can tell, never think about ovulation. Hence I was slightly surprised when my Boy made subtle enquiries about where I was in my cycle.

Until I realised he was plotting an anti-ovulation anal sex chart.

Some speak the sounds, but speak in silent voices

I feel odd this morning. I felt odd last Monday too. Life not balanced. Mondays mean a knot of work somethings (adrenaline), and life has been too many people in too many spaces that should be just mine (misanthrope). My parents and their friend have been staying, which means three extra bodies chain smoking and talking when I want to write. Today, today is silence. It is beautiful. The city is still half asleep and the sounds are just me and the a/c and my beautiful clicky keyboard. It means more space inside my head to feel sad, but sometimes I need that. The boom/bust/polarization of people staying means bad feelings about guests get parceled up with a ribbon of guilt. All is tempered by the fact that each goodbye feels so fucking final.

Imitating life and art.

So around the time I was asked the question below, I was (briefly) living it. A very desirable and pleasingly feasible third party rocked up and stuck around for five days, half of which while the Boy was out of town, the rest after the Boy returned.

(Perhaps I should come up with some fun but non-identifying handles for people, but the reason J and I used our own names at swingers parties wasn’t to make a bold lifestyle statement, it was just paucity of imagination. So Boy = J, other boy = old friend.)

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Synchronous linkhronous

One of the questions in the post below merges into something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past few days. Handy.

How desirable/feasible is a stable multi-way relationship?

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Open for business

I seem to be adopting a vague advice-giving role. It’s kinda fun, and nice to be reaching a point where I actually have useful experience to draw on. (Aside: Aunt Agony would be a great nom de plume for a column about SM.)

Questions in the pending pile include:

• The aforementioned 2a – which went something like, “Yes, yes, that’s how you act, but what about how you don’t act? What about overcoming fear and the instinct to defend against invasion?” (wrt falling for third parties)

• Then we have “Is a permanent multiway relationship desirable and achievable?”

• “You’ve mentioned affairs and dishonesty. What changed?”

Anyone want to know anything else?