The weirdest thing that ever happened to me

I’m not sure this is definitively the weirdest, but it’s up there. I was wondering how I’d define my weirdest experiences if someone asked, and it struck me that some of the things that might seem weird from the outside (a 300-person orgy in a crumbling central-London mansion for example) actually don’t feel that weird at all. But Ah-um-ah-Andy definitely still rates.

I met him early in my TG days, when he politely, nervously complimented my boots and asked if he might rub my feet.

Me: Yeh, probably, wait… J, can this man rub my feet?

Equally eloquent, J said something along the lines of “Yeh, why not,” and my new foot fetishist friend hoisted me up onto a huge speaker. I was dressed in a style befitting the location: skirt with no sides, pinstriped waistcoat, and platform boots comprising more buckles than leather. I set about removing these beauties without flashing too much muff, and belatedly realized I was also wearing Sleepytime Pooh Bear ankle socks.

I whipped them off hoping to belie my noob status, and hid them in my boots. The guy probably didn’t care anyway, and set about giving me a (mediocre) massage. He didn’t seem particularly comfortable making small talk, and when I asked him his name he paused then came up with “Ah… um…. ah…. Andy.” Nothing too strange about that though* and he was communicative and conscientious when it came to sharing his intent and seeking permission.

After a while he nervously asked me if it was ok if he wanked, and I’ll admit his underdog demeanor contributed to my saying yes. I flicked my eyes over to J, who was hanging out with friends some way off, made some lewd gestures and he nodded his assent. Ah-um-ah-Andy set to it and came fairly quickly. While he was cleaning up (I can’t remember the details – wet wipes, tissues, wipe it on the curtains?) I said, “I’ve never done anything like that before. How was it?”

To which this previously timid, whispering, almost apologetic boy looked at me, shrugged, muttered “You were alright, I s’pose,” and disappeared into the night.

Thanks Ah-um-ah-Andy, you were magical too.

* J and I have never been smart enough to come up with fetish alter egos, but there are plenty of good reasons why people do.


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