Archive for The W-word

So much to say

But so little time right now. The wedding was amazing, genuinely one of the best nights of my life.

All I really have time to add right now is a reflection on this post, where I mentioned only smiling a lot because it was expected.

On Saturday in Spain it was the other way round. I couldn’t have stopped smiling if I’d tried.

Post-ceremony cocktails

Post-ceremony cocktails


I am the pretty prince of parties

The past few days have been a whirlwind of sunshine, booze, lost people, poorly spoken Spanish and an hour of virtue when I went to a yoga class. Married life seems to be dizzying, in a good way.

On the playing away front, in the first seven days after the registry office I pulled one of my first boyfriends, one of mine/J’s friends, and had an amazing threesome with my husband and a very gorgeous friend of ours.

A good week all round, but I think also evidence of my need to test my wayward lifestyle and make sure it still works within this new framework. Seems to, so far.

Now I’m out in Spain, preparing for the big day and drinking farfarfar too much. Hope I still fit into my dress on Saturday – got in smashed last night and ate four pieces of toast & pate and a doughnut. Am now feeling very sick indeed, and may go back to bed for a while. Adios.

Dazed and confused

J and I are both feeling a little dazed by the weekend’s nuptials. It was a big deal for family, but for us the serious bit will be Spain, but we’re still married now so we’re slightly in limbo.

We both found ourselves grinning a lot on Saturday, not because we were ecstatically happy, but because people expected us to be ecstatically happy. How much of life do we fake just because someone else faked it first? (The emperor is what? Naked, you say?)

It was a nice day, but now I’m just counting down the minutes until Spain. Can’t wait to have some time off, and properly get into wedding girliness.

As per a very sensible request from a very sexy third party


Have been subsumed by wedding stuff lately, and it’s been lots of fun.

Had the hen party last weekend, and have the registry office this weekend – somewhere between the two I turned 28.

Thought I would be more stressed now – real thing only two weeks away – but since I’ve stopped doubting my motives it seems to be plain sailing. Have a list, ticking things off – easy.

Although perhaps I’m a little too relaxed – all the married women I’ve spoken to confidently assured me that I’d lose loads of weight before the wedding, what with all the stress and running around and stuff.

I’ve put on 6lbs so far.

More on marriage

So, already feeling committed is one challenge (in the sense that I feel the wedding undermines my previous feelings).

Other thoughts, in no particular order:

• As I’ve said before, I feel like getting married might jinx us. Stupid and superstitious, I know, but why fuck with a good thing?

• I’m reading The Sexual Life of Catherine M, and it’s making me nostalgic about the days when sex was an ice-breaker. Once I’m married, am I going to be old, spent, done? Un-fuckable by any one but my husband?

• Maybe everyone feels like this in the run-up to a wedding. Maybe it’s like having a baby, and it never really feels like the right time until you finally do it. Perhaps I am seriously over-analysing normal nervousness.

Le sigh…

Wedding ownership – ur doin it rong

Had a bit of a chat with the Boy yesterday about the fact that I haven’t really (cue more touchy feely language) taken ownership of our marriage.

I’m fine with the wedding bit in terms of planning, organising, throwing a fuck-off amazing party, but nothing’s quite clicking in terms of the “holy shit, I’m going to be married” stuff.

Jonty said he would’ve preferred it if I’d proposed to him, but he knew that I never would. Which sort of sums up that I’m finding it hard for all this to really, truly feel necessary.

I feel as if I’m being held up against a benchmark that has no meaning for me. Sure, I value communication, commitment and longevity in my relationship (and other people’s), but I look for evidence of those in the structure and substance of people’s connections. It’s not something I really feel is confirmed by the events of a single day, or a new bit of jewellery.

My thoughts are quite muddled about it all (hence the trying-to-figure-things-out post). Part of me is scared that I’m going ahead with it simply because it is the path of least resistance.

I’ve certainly been thinking about it as something I’m doing to keep my parents and in-laws happy, something that Jonty really wants, something that doesn’t really matter because it won’t change anything.

But… I fantasised about Jonty proposing to me before we actually got engaged, and I cried (with happy emotion) when I was writing my vows.

But… I see getting married as challenging our relationship rather than confirming it.

A challenge in one sense because I made my commitment to Jonty years ago. I can remember exactly where I was: in bed in our old flat, with the sunlight coming through the crappy curtains.

Without thinking, I said for the first time, “I want to love you forever,” and it really surprised me, like a soap bubble bursting in my face.

Soap bubbles kinda feel like enough for me. What’s that say…?


I need sexy undies for my wedding night, right?