Archive for April, 2009

You could have it all

Had a really sad dream this morning.

Started with my old art director making a video that included a clip of mitosis taking place, then he animated the whole thing in jagged black and red (I think in a kind of rotoscope fashion).

I was with my mum and sister in a long room, showing the animation to them and my first boyfriend (see post below), who was a decent artist (irl).

In the dream I was conscious of the real life time that had passed since I last saw first boyfriend, and we fell to reminiscing – looking at old photos and sharing stories.

We walked away from my mum and sister and ended up in the garden of my second house (first boyfriend never went there irl).

The garden had an abandoned air but was far more beautiful than it had been before. There were large holly bushes, huge peonies, banks of wild strawberries and tall hollyhocks.

They were all leggy and overgrown, but that somehow added to their charm, as if they had rightly claimed the garden back since I’d lived there.

I was still reminiscing with first boyfirend, and mentioned that the garden was just as beautiful as I remembered, even though I knew that much as I wanted this to be true, it wasn’t and therefore the garden wasn’t real.

I woke really incredibly sad and reluctant to leave the dream behind, and have been humming the words from Hurt ever since.

Possibly revealing post script: old art director is the only guy I’ve had a really important relationship with that hasn’t been based around sex or the promise of sex. First boyfriend is the only important sex realtionship guy that I don’t have much contact with.

Unrelated (but is it really?) post script: about a week ago I wrote a post called ‘Fuck Prudence’. It’s still in my draft folder. I’m so lame.

I bet I think this song is about me.

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More on censoring myself

I broke up with my first boyfriend in 1998 and lost contact with him. He got back in touch with me a year or so ago, thanks to the wonders of facebook, and we now exchange occasional polite, let’s-not-mention-the-past emails.

Read the rest of this entry »

Self-censorship

I have gone back and edited a post on here, at the request of someone mentioned in it.

And I have written posts I’ve never intended to publish, usually because they talk too intimately about someone else. (Writing helps me make sense of my thoughts, so these unpublished pieces serve an important function.)

Once I wrote something that I intended to publish, but decided against at the last minute. It was about a work issue and reactively written – a childish, angry mess.

Is prudence the same as censorship?

I’m not going to publish a post I haven’t written about my new job.

I’m not angry, just frustrated, but something tells me maybe I should exercise a bit of caution. It might get messy, it might not. I don’t know. Hopefully I can figure it out and resolve things soon.