Why I don’t vibe with monogamy

November 29, 2007 at 10:08 am · Filed under Relationships and tagged: Relationships

Thought I ought to hit the ground running with something nice and provocative, and this is a question I get asked a lot. Perhaps not framed in those terms (usually it is in terms of vicarious glee or uncomfortable shock), but it is clearly a topic that bears endless discussion.

So let’s start with a few myths. Number one – monogamy is the only option for a committed relationship. For many people it is so ingrained as to appear unquestionable, but that doesn’t mean it is. I’m sure Mr Sartre would agree that the very fact that alternatives exist shows that monogamy is a choice.

At which point perhaps Sigmund would pipe up that the decision pathways involved have simply become subsumed into the subconscious.* The fact that monogamy has in this way become our default option makes evolutionary sense – humans are k-strategists, investing lots of resources in relatively few offspring, so it helps a mother to know who her child’s father is.

That isn’t to say it is always the default option – witness the penchant of powerful men for harems and concubines. And it doesn’t mean the decision pathway can’t be questioned. Indeed, every one of my monogamous relationships was an attempt to do just that. And my current relationship is an example of what’s possible when that questioning leads you to someplace new.

Which brings me neatly to a second myth: monogamy = fidelity. From where I’m sitting this is easily disputable. My non-monogamous relationship is deeply faithful, loving, honest, communicative and self-aware. In fact it has to be if we’re going to play outside the normal rules and still be happy.

So how did I end up questioning my decision pathway?

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