Archive for January, 2009

And then there were two

Non-monogamy is not just about sex. Love plays a big part as well.

It’s easy to love more than one person – ask anyone with kids. It’s also easy to love your friends. Once you start sleeping with the friends you already love, things do get a little tangled.

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Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

Just had my second panic attack. The first was on Thursday. They were both really, really horrible.

Proper fight or flight stuff; shaking, sweating, stomach-churning. I haven’t yet figured out how best to deal with them.

It reminds me of the waves of nausea I used to get when I was coming up on a pill. The only thing you can do is breathe through it and wait for it to pass.

This is loads less fun than pilling.



This week is turning out to be fucking hard.

It’s kinda like the wedding week in that it’s constant drinking and no sleep (tough, I know!), but in Spain I had all my family and friends around me, glorious sunshine and the week off work.

This time around I have nameless worries, waking me at 4am like hungry rats gnawing at my innards (American Psycho meets 1984).

I want to sob it all away but I don’t have any tears. Instead I just have to keep my head down and grope blindly towards the weekend. Too late to do anything else.

I hope I make it out the other side with sight and sanity intact.


I think one of the reasons humans spread all round the equator and out to the icy rimes is that we’re not too phased by our surroundings changing.

The first few days J and I were back in the flat after the fire, the burnt-rubber-melted-plastic-charred-metal smell made me feel tearful and sick.

Now when I open the door, it makes me feel glad that I’m home.

Asia dream?

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Things that are scary:

• Moving abroad
• Burning buildings
• Parental divorce

Things I thought were corner stones are turning into pillars of sand.

Sand is ok. Without it we wouldn’t have windows or soft-boiled eggs.



What better way to start the new year than finding yourself at 0630 in the local cop shop, saucer-eyed and gurning, trying to explain that the police have requisitioned access to your building. Try even saying requisitioned with that many drugs inside you.

It turns out there was a fire. Until 0005 on 01.01.09, there was a launderette on the ground floor. Now there is just a big hole and a lot of soot.

It’s a great testament to Edwardian architecture that the rest of the building is still structurally sound, and fortunately the place was empty so no one was hurt.

But there is smoke damage, water damage and post hoc structural damage (where the fire brigade gained entry to each floor).

There is also no power – the meters are melted to a wall somewhere. It’s likely to stay that way for at least a week (a third of the days we have left in the UK) so I can’t see us letting the place anytime soon.

Happy new year!